I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
nature’s most graceful animal
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets