A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Weirdos gonna weird.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?