If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
You Might Also Like
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.