Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
had to make it
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Breaking news:
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do