Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
i think we should see other cousins
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down