Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
RT if you could go either way.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is