me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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My kitchen overserved me.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.