Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”