[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
You Might Also Like
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Flowers bee like
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
He just like my cat fr