when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Kermit goes Blue.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.