It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
got so much cardio in today
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf