It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The Joker was right
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.