*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Dance like you’re not the father
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
This guy gets it.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason