Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*