Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
You Might Also Like
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.