I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking