A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020