Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
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I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”