[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
それは草
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.