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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.