Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
You Might Also Like
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play