carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
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[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.