What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
You Might Also Like
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
What do you hear?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?