I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
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mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Ugh
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
a god among men
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw