My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
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Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion