ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
congratulations to them
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.