I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Need WebMD
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.