If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
an airline just for babies.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Somebody call the cops.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP