The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.