Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
NASA has no chill
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.