good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done