Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
why would tinder want me to say this
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.