No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”