So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
The symmetry is uncanny.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift