Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.