How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Admin smashed it 😂
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
God, I love Scotland
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.