my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.