“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Anime is real
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My patience has stretch marks.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.