People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does