GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.