INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??