A leaf blower, but for people.
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My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”