I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
yeah 😭
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too