[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.