My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.