Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
When you kidnap a writer.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.