Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I feel like one of these would kill a European