I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
You Might Also Like
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Oh, I bet you would be
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I occasionally drink every single night.