Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
5 ways to appear taller
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*