I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
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You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.